Not A Good Day. June 23, 2008

hi,

So today hasn’t really been a good day.. EVEN though I had a bubble bath and talked to my kansas friends (Chris & Lizzy - hey punk ass american kids ) and even though I talked to one of the IOW-KOTB (Isle Of Wight – Kids On The Block) Lewis (Mr. Kababa) - he is well awesome and totally freakin’ cool hehe. 

I guess its just one of those days where every tiny insignificant thing reminds you of every broken, shameful, sad memory from the past you try desperately to forget and ignore.. These days that come and go are getting harder to get through. The family I live with, have no idea what I’m doing.. Or the fact I stayed up till 1-am so I could save myself from a couple of nightmares.. I’m beginning to fall away from the real world. & that scares me.. I just want to be me.. I just .. I just want to become someone else. Someone who is happy, but even then happiness is overrated, I just want to become someone who doesn’t have the past I have. 

My own mother, looked me in the eye and blatantly lied to me.. IN FRONT of the family I live with.. She says she doesn’t mean to hurt me and she says I over react…. are you kidding me.. *sigh* I wish I could disappear, just for a week or two.. just be someone no-one knows.. no-one judges and no-one worries about.. just for a week or two.. Just be nothing to anyone.. 

Somedays, Like today.. I just wish I was gone.

Signing Off.

A.

Waiting For The Unknown. June 22, 2008

hey,

So.. Tonight I arrived back from Auckland.. I slept in till 11:15am, lol so I’m not too tired.

I’ve been talking to George (g-bear, gummy bear, Mr. george, etc..) on yahoo & bebo.. and he is well.. he is amazing.. and even that word cannot describe him well enough for my liking but I’m cold and my brain is a tad slow.. LOL. He lives in the UK and we have been talking for a year and a half.. he really is so just freakin’ awesome.. he is the most caring sweetest guy I’ve ever known, we talk to each other about soo much and its just so cool that he trusts me with stuff he tells me.. and that I trust him with stuff no one else knows either.

ANYWAY tonight we were talking about what his Bebo Profile says.. “I Want Someone To Love.. Who Loves Me Just As I Love Them.. Is It So Much To Ask For?..” So I then commented him and said:

Anna: I love you like a bee loves a flower 

*giggles*

George: Bee’s Scare Me ):

Love You

Anna: awww

they scare me too … but shhh dont tell anyone

i was just trying to show the greatness of my love for you mr. george
cause a bee loves a flower.. a lot tbh.

George: Aww Yays ^^

I Love You To (:

Anna: do you loves me like i loves you?

giggles

George: YesYes I Do (:

xo

Anna: then it answers your profile mr. george..

but i know what you really mean though..

tbh..

your absolutely amazing, and you deserve the best of the best & sometimes the best things in life you have to wait for.. and I KNOW that waiting is the hardest part of it all, but atleast when the best comes.. you will realize that it was worth the wait, the lonelyness, the pain, the tears, & the days where you just wanted someone, anyone , the perfect person to walk into your life and that day never seems to come.. but trust me george.. that day will come.. I promise you. 

a.

 

So after I said that, it kinda got me going.. and since then I have been thinking about it a lot and just.. writing more down.. Because I know what george is feeling.. and I guess you could say I know it a little too well .. but To ANYONE who reads this (part from lizzy and chris lol hehe)  I know that its hard its really hard.. but I’m positive that one day it will change and whatever.. whoever I’m waiting for.. whether it be real love or it be the perfect man or the whole in my heart from my mother abandoning me and hurting me filled.. I know that when what I’m waiting for comes.. all those nights crying myself to sleep over lost love, or past hurts it will be worth it.. and thats what I’m looking forward to.. I know that whatever we all go through there is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.. but more importantly there is hope for that light..

I’ve only just begun realizing and believing in that thanks to a very good friend of mine, Ana. She has given me so much hope, the kind of hope you can never lose.. that you can never be without ever again. She is my angel. She has given me glow-in-the-dark stars to light my way to the end of the tunnel.. even when I’m alone, in the dark tunnel, scared and maybe lost my way I can just look to the ceiling and see the stars and know there is hope.. there is going to be a day where it will be better.. it will all be better..

Signing Off.

A.

The Fast, The Fantastic & The Freaking Awesome Damn Day Ever. June 21, 2008

Hey,

 

Well yesterday I came upto Auckland (a three hour drive + an hour extra of other chores we had to do) with the family. I was so exhausted when we arrived then I heard the word wireless internet & I’m like what? where? me? now? okay.. GO! lol so yeah. I haven’t been up to too much, but yeah. I’ll tell you about the most interesting, educational, amazing day I’ve had for a while.

 

Thursday 19th July 2008: I spent the day with a well-known Kiwi Photographer Called Andy Belcher. I definitely look upto him in his work and what he has accomplished, and I hope one day someone looks upto me in the way I do to him.

When I arrived he had this lovely, sturdy, motorbike out.. Now, I have never been on a motorbike before, so to say the least I was anxious. lol. We talked a little and then he told me that we are going to the Redwood Forest in Rotorua (45-minute drive from Maketu – where he lives). 

I was excited. He then asked me the question I was dreading.. “Have you ever been on a motorbike?” I faithfully answered, “No…” he replied “Are you anxious about it?” I nodded and said “Yes”. Then comes the next best thing, “Well in that case we will take the car”. Now I’m thinking okay its a car.. 

He goes outside puts away the motorbike, then opens up… *suspense music* the car. Now not any ORDINARY car.. the one, the only(not really but stick with me here lol) BMW M3 2008 edition, in the shade of COLBOT BLUE.. 2 door, v8 engine can go from 0 to 98 km p/h in 4.8 seconds!!  What can you do in 4.8 seconds? hmm well I can wipe the drool from my chin and pick my jaw from the ground and put it back in neutral position. LOL!! 

This was and is (in my mind anyway) the most amazing, safe, colourful, cute, speedy, fast, posh, fanciest car I have ever been in. ever. Now as soon as you sit in this.. this BEAST you are in style.. (thankfully I decided I would wear my new clothes and look stylish – for once LOL, so I didn’t look too out of place sitting in the passenger seat!?) So as I said earlier, it takes about 45-minutes to where we are going, we did it in 30mins lol.. but it didn’t feel like we were going fast, but I knew we were because I HAD to lean against the back of the seat lol.. and I glanced at the speedometer and it was averaging at 120 – 130 km p/h.. lol now for someone like me who does NOT like going fast lol.. It was rather hard concentrating on anything but the fact we were going too fast for my comfort.. So instead I listened to Andy and what he was saying. So because of that I now know the main aperture settings. f2.8, f4, f5.6, f8, f11, f16, f22. *big proud smile* and I know and actually understand shutter speed and also ISO & HDR. 

We spent about an hour n half in the forest taking the most amazing photos. I’m serious it was amazing. We then returned back to his office (over looking the settlement of Maketu, Papamoa, The Mount & on really clear days apparently he can see the Coromandel Peninsula too :O. He showed me his amazing Editing software and how he does what he does.. (which is extraordinarily cool)  

Then I got picked up and off we went back home..

- the end of the coolest day I’ve had for a while -

 

So today yeah.. not much I’ve just kinda hung around and gone with the flow..

I ate too much ketchup ( I LOVE KETCHUP <3 ) and I had like half a cup of it lol

now I kinda feel a lil bit sick lol.. well anyway. 

I’m gonna have a rest.

 

Signing off.

A.

… June 16, 2008

Hi,

So .. I haven’t been too good recently.. really quite emotional.. Ive been having about 10 hours sleep at night which is nice. 

I’ve kinda been f*cking up a lot of friendships… and I know I will just lose them all one day because of it.. But I’m just really struggling with my emotions and past hurts and everything.. I know sorry doesn’t cut it.. But.. I just want .. I just want .. Oh damn it I don’t even know what the hell I want.. Grrr.

I will go have lunch now, its 1:18pm. I’m hungry.

Signing Off.

A.

Settling In. June 14, 2008

Hey,

Well I’ve been very busy unpacking all my stuff at the new house I’m at with the new family. It is hard to get used to all this noise and their own little quirks as a family, but I’m getting there I guess. My room is really nice, it is the biggest room I’ve had to myself for about a year and a half. It has 2 beds in it, A small bookshelf, A set of draws, A little wardrobe & a medium sized window. 

The town (Te Puke – said Tea Pookie) will take some getting used too, I’m afraid the only decent store there is Subway LOL! okay so maybe it has some other stores also. BUT I am a city chick at heart and I have been used to getting a bus into the city and having everything at my finger tips.. & now thats kinda gone. I guess I’ll survive but, it will be hard. 

I really miss Ana & her birds (Fred, Jamie & Jono). Most of all I miss Ana. She really was amazing, She is the kindest person and the people she lives with.. are really treating her like shit & I hate it. She does NOT deserve it.. I wish I could do something more productive but for now all I can do is pray. 

Well I think thats all for now..

Signing out.

A.

New Home. June 12, 2008

im here.

its amazing.

very cold.

very caring.

more tomorrow.

its late.

signing off.

a.

So. June 9, 2008

hey,

Okay so, hmm. Life. 

It’s like, complicated right now. I’m moving wednesday/thursday. I have an apprenticeship with a photographer. I’ve been having nightmares all week. I’m kinda like.. apprehensive about this move and new family, new town and everything.. 

I still haven’t got in contact with Chris. Which is pissing me off a lot…..

But on a better note I’ve been talking to Lizzy (his girlfriend but also my friend =] ) a lot which is cool. LOL today we talked about their “wedding” lol haha so funny/random. 

I have totally fallen inlove.. LIKE INLOVE with the new Family Force 5 EP – Dance Or Die. It’s like 80’s pop mixed with a Punk/Funk/Hardcore band and just a lil Electronicness. It’s actually amazing. You need to download it

I haven’t written a poem in over a month. I should be writing more.. But I just haven’t had words come to mind to start me off. Maybe when I settle down a little.

Signing Off.

A.

Unfortunately.. June 6, 2008

okay so I didn’t win the big prize. BUT

I did win a PS2 and the games so thats all good.

Right now I’m at Esquires Coffee (drinking a White Hot Chocolate.. They are amazingly perfect)

On the internet. I have to go soon to my Osteopath appointment. 

I’m wearing a new jacket and I look so freakin’ cool LOL

 

Signing off. 

I’ll keep you informed when I move.

A.

Drained. June 6, 2008

(((((((( 2 days ago.. internet stuffed up sorry)))))))))

Hey,

So yesterday I did my annual clothe shopping. My dad gave me $250 and said go wild but make sure you buy things you NEED. That I did.. (hehe) But I also went a lil out there on a couple of things but hey, a girl is allowed to every now and then. This was the first major shop I have done ever, by myself. I think I done really well. here is what I got. 

3x B.E.P’s (black everyday pants = $60. 

1x Black Track Pants = $16. 

2x Yellow singlet tops = $13. 

1x Black Fleece Hoody = $15. 

1x “I’m with the band” shirt = $7. 

1x Teal Lace singlet = $5. 

2x Assorted Jackets (alphabet & ice cream) = $30. 

1x Orange ‘Kissin Cousin’ shirt = $15.

1x Black Robot Love shirt = $11.

2x Grey & Black Camisoles = $15.

 

I also bought a top for my friend $10.

 

TOTAL —— $197.00 (roughly)

(isn’t including $20 dollars for doctor’s appointment tomorrow, lunch with friend the other day 13.90)

 

So yeah, I’m real pleased with myself. and now I’m like completely all set up for the year. hehe. I also just received my top from TWLOHA (www.twloha.com – an amazing organization worth every penny spent, check them out) and it is actually amazing I love it.

 

So  last night at like 10:30pm I came back from a meeting (tea and biscuits, lol) with a family in te puke (said tea pookie) 30mins drive from where I am now (tauranga). She is really nice and caring and the home is sweet. I’ll be moving there soon, within the week. 

 

So from all that. I AM EXHAUSTED AND TOTALLY DRAINED. Plus it doesn’t help when I have been calling Chris (he told me he would have his phone with him and to call at any time) So I did. 11 TIMES!!! And all I get is. “This is an automated Message For 816-***-**48, If you would like to page this person please press #5. *electronic beep*” So I left 11 messages. Some of which I was screaming at him LOL.. & then I would feel bad so I called back and apologized lol that went on like 5 times. LOL. Still didn’t get hold of him. (ponders thoughts) and then today I tried calling and still no answer, so I’m getting worried.

 

Today I watched another random movie and then went into town and had ESQUIRES. hehe. I love their hot chocolates *cheeky smile* and then I bought another jacket, its really cute and awesome. I love it heaps. I also got a top for my mate Jono (a transformers logo shirt) and he likes it heaps. So it’s winter here. And I’m so freezing I could swear. 

 

OHHHH also. I bought songs from FAMILY FORCE FIVE their New EP is out now. So go onto Itunes and download them ok. They are amazing and really unique and funky! 

 

Oh and nothing much BUT I’m on t.v again tomorrow. LOL hehe. So excited. I hope I win lol. (the competition) 

 

So yeah. I think thats all for now.

I’ll let you know what the low down is (if I win I’ma pass out so WHEN I wake up I will be like, shaking and hyperventilating and crying. But when I am stable I will write a blog. ok?!

Signing Off.

A.

Exciting stuffs. June 3, 2008

Hey just me here,

 

Been up to some cool stuff the last couple of days.

Sunday I went to church and helped out with the under 5’s. lol

We made lion masks out of paper plates. That was cool! lol I’m serious it was.

(Apart from getting burnt from the Hot Glue Gun about 10 times)

Then after church I went with Ana (youth leader) to her parents place for lunch

and also just watched youtube lol. it was cool fun.

I came back to the flat and I was actually exhausted, so I slept for 2 hours..

(cough, cough) lol. 

Then I went to youth group, (early as usual) and hung out with everyone.

Youth group was good. (as usual) Later that night we watched the movie “World Trade Center” I cried. It is a very touching movie even for a kiwi girl. I still remember the day (and I’m sure A LOT OF OTHERS DO TOO) I was 9. I was on a field trip with school, I knew something was wrong because the teachers all looked sad and kept listening to the radio. We ended up getting sent home at 12pm and as soon as I walked in the house, the t.v was on, and I sat there crying. The images on the t.v were just.. so scary but surreal. I knew about the World Trade Centers before this happened (most people my age back then didn’t) because #1 My Mum & Step dad just came back from America and they had photos of them. #2 My Brother was in New York at the time (thankfully nowhere near them, but I was still worried). Anyway back to the movie. I was amazed at the making of the film, how difficult it would have been to re-enact some scenes and just the effects. It is a very well made movie. 

Monday I watched another movie (for the first time) lol “Transformers” it is.. like.. jawdroppingly-freakishly amazing. Enough so, that I watched it again this afternoon hehe. LOL woot! 

Then I called Chris again (the one in USA) and we talked for a lil bit while I sat outside in the cold watching the sun set and the stars appear (thinks of a song I’ve listened to recently that mentions that), it was real relaxing. Then Jono (youth leader’s boyfriend, who is in an awesome band – check them out www.mysapce.com/thesilentcircusband) invited me to come hang out with them at their practice. So I did. LOL

Then I went to sleep  

Anyway, its 10:17pm and I am tired. 

Signing off.

A.

PS. I found out this morning (tuesday) – sorry I couldn’t connect to the internet last night. So I copied and pasted it now. I found out I WON THE BEST PERFORMER CATEGORY!!!! so I have won a playstation 2 and the singstar games. I’m so excited, I even started to hyperventilate, hehe. I find out on friday if I have also won the MAIN prize of a playstion 3, a sony hd video camera, sony vegas pro editing software and the new singstar game for PS3. 

wish me luck, even though I really don’t need it hehehehehe!

 

PPS. here is the link for you to check out the video, Please comment and rate it