Because Of You Mom: Blaming Myself.

Because Of You Mom: …I’m me.

Because Of You Mom: I’m Ashamed.

Because Of You Mom: Built Walls.

Because Of You Mom: Panic Attacks.

Because Of You Mom: Life’s Empty.

Because Of You Mom: Dad’s Depressed.

Because Of You Mom: Foundation’s Crumbling.

Because Of You Mom: I’m Traumatized.

Because Of You Mom: Shop Alone.

Because Of You Mom: Childhood- Stolen.

Because Of You Mom: Don’t Eat.

Because Of You Mom: Self Hatred.

Because Of You Mom: Stability’s Unknown.

Because Of You Mom: Mentally Ill.

Because Of You Mom: Disorders; Medicated.

Because Of You Mom: I cry.

Because Of You Mom: Nightmares Repeat.

Because Of You Mom: I Self-Harm.

Because Of You Mom: I’m hurting.

Because Of You Mom: I’ma Liar.

Because Of You Mom: I’m fake.

Because Of You Mom: Crying- Weakness.

Because Of You Mom: I’m Lost.

Because Of You Mom: Trust- N/A

Because Of You Mom: Sidewalk- Safety

Because Of You Mom: 11years Abused.

Because Of You Mom: I’ve Fallen.

Because Of You Mom: I’m Broken

Because Of You Mom: Heart’s Miserable

Because Of You Mom: Mistakes Made.

Because Of You Mom: I’m Afraid

Have You Forgotten – Anna Salisbury 08-10-08

Have you forgotten the times you put me down,

When I would hide my face walking around town.

Have you forgotten the times when you forgot to pick me up after school,

When I was 9 sitting lonely and scared waiting for you.. looking like a fool.

Have you forgotten the times I cried myself to sleep,

When your words repeated in my head when all I could do was weep.

Have you forgotten the nightmares I had, the pain I held inside,

When your face’s all haunted me, unwanted memories screaming while I cried.

Have you forgotten the first time you saw my arms,

When from that day on my lies began to combine with my charms.

Have you forgotten that your believing every single lie I tell,

When the truth would be told if only you asked, cause we both know i’m not doing well.

Have you forgotten that I have no happy memories from my childhood,

When you allowed me to be medicated at age 10, my leg’s would twitch as I stood.

Have you forgotten that I chose to be in foster care just to get away from you,

Have you forgotten.. Because I haven’t.

Tell me what you think about it okay.

xx

A.

yeah they’re me.. but hmm.. lol

I hate being judges or labeled or assessed or diagnosed..

there is NO medication to take away the pain inside me..

I am addicted to self harm & I DO NOT WANT ATTENTION!… anything but..

I have a brother & a dad – they are all that matters now..

There is no make up that could make me remotely beautiful.. because I don’t love myself..

I hate who I am, who I’m becoming & who others think i am..

I am as fake as barbie.. but couldn’t be further from perfect…

I love photography & have a huge passion for it.. BUT since I began fading away this year.. the passion has faded away too.. 

I love writing quotes… & I drown out the world with music that reminds me how fucked up I am..

I am often emotionally unstable & sometimes think it would be better if i was just locked up in a mental ward…

In the past 5 months I have had a serious breakdown 10 times..

I am not a poser just because I take a lot of photos of myself.. I just need them so If i die.. people remember me.. & so I can remember how to smile when I just don’t have the energy anymore.. I don’t want to forget the person I’m acting to be… Because no matter what she will always be apart of me.. 

In the past 8 weeks.. I’ve lost between 10-15 kg (20-35 pounds) 

I am planning to get away mid June next year.. Leaving everything & everyone behind me.. for good..

I love my muffin man.. he is the bestest ever.. he makes me smile & laugh.. at the randomest things he tells me.. 

Signing Off.. In tears..

A.

So like I haven’t blogged for a while.. I’ve been slightly a lot distracted lately (spoken while another email comes through)

A lot has been going on for me, emotionally, physically, mentally.. had some extremely bad days in which police (they are truly stupid) were involved & a lot of tears.. also a lot of silence (which for me.. isn’t good..)

Today as one of the better bad days – these are few. 

Been in contact with my brother a lot.. its lovely & he is very understanding..

also nearly constant contact with dad.. it takes some getting used to..

i have found a website which is perfect for me.. it is

www.smithteens.com and on here you use 6 words.. & only 6 words no more no less to .. (another email come through).. kinda sum up your life.. or things in your life or emotions.. they call them memoirs.. in 4 days.. i have done 107.. they are addicting, & you end up thinking in 6 words.. and just.. it is amazing its therapeutic.. well to me anyway & yeah.. check it out.. if your older than 20 there is one for adults www.smithmag.net 

some of my favorite ones so far that i’ve published to the site would be the following.. if you gonna copy them please put Anna. R. S beside them & or a link to my blog.. thanks

“7 months. Fading Away. Almost Gone.”

“Self-Injury Isn’t Madness. It Is Surviving.”

“Photographs aren’t fading anymore.. Just me..”

“Invisible; But still seeing a reflection..”

“confidence is beautiful. underneath confidence, fear.”

“Breaking down, with each memory; Remembered..”

“Loveless wrists; Stained clothes; Losing myself.”

“getting more self-control to not eat..”

“Scarred Body; Can’t Shower; Panic Attacks.”

“one-day you’ll know; maybe, one-day.. hopefully..”

“stopped the search for the light-switch.”

“home.. is where you are understood..”

Hope you liked them.. 

I’ll be sure to post some more when as i continue..

Not sure whats left to say.. so i’ll leave it there.

Signing Off.

A.

I’ve always ‘collected’ them & saved them to the computer.. But like I think a quote “addiction” would always need to go .. deeper

So I’ve begun the journal long journey (try saying that 10 times haha) of writing/filling my journal full of quotes..

The quest begun not too long ago.. just writing down ones that I kinda knew.. or seen on bebo skins..

then I began.. to.. ABUSE GOOGLE.. the search grew to MANY tabs.. I’m not sure it was even possible, but Safari grew.. & one by one I would interrogate each page intently with my black & red pen, filling the pages with patterns.. of this.. this, quote….

I began to copy the text in its original form.. bold, italics, underline… & the occasional <3

As the pages grew.. So too did my bookmark collection.. It now has a.. WHOLE folder dedicated to ..

Quotes…

After a week long adventure I am only down half of one site’s collection of quotes.. 

My pens haven’t yet run out.. But that will be a day my tears will flow as endlessly as the pens ink.. (even though they wont work.. WTF?!)

I hear you over there asking.. ‘Well do you have a ‘favorite’ quote..?’

Buddy.. your kidding me right?! I’m filling a journal full of quotes I like.. l.o.v.e & you wanna know if I.. HAVE.. A.. 

favorite…

As a matter of fact I do.. But I wrote it & refuse to let it on the internet to be taken advantage of & re worded.. 

BUT I must say this minutes favorite quote would have to be:

“The world’s most beautiful sentence, “But I love you.” The world’s most painful sentence, “I love you BUT…” “

I may.. consider… sharing some other quotes with you.. at a later date..

Signing Off.

A.

& he tells me I have a cracked rib Becuase of the located pain and the fact I am in a hell of a lot of pain when HE TOUCHES IT.. (doctor dick head didn’t really clikc when I started crying becuase he WAS HURTING ME)

so Now i’m wearing a brace thing for the next month

*sigh*

please pray

it hurts sooo fucking bad im serious like omg kill me!

signing off.

a.

First off.. I’m okay now.. Kinda.. Okay maybe not.. But I will be okay.. 

Monday: I had an anxiety attack on the way to Karene’s (mother) but take medication & am okay.. I got the things I need & leave.. I cried in the car as I go to the doctors.. I saw the doctors – for like 45 minutes (normal appointment is 15 minutes lol) I had a temperature of 40.6 ˚C (105.08 ˚F) she gave me sleeping pills so I can get ‘some’ sleep for a couple of night so I don’t have to have nightmares because they give you ‘dreamless sleep‘.. (a true blessing in disguise) & antibiotics (even though I have the flu, its just because the flu medicine is very expensive.. & so the antibiotics will prevent a chest infection which I’m known to get when I have the flu)

She fills in all the Rehab stuff & says I don’t have to pay for the appointment, that she will make the government pay I go get my blood test & go into town to get my medications by now I’m completely over ridden by the flu & temperature and barely make it back to the car, I get in the very very back (fold down seats) and fall asleep. 

The family goes off to see friends and I reposition myself and fall asleep.. I had been anxious all day about David (step father) he has been known to get very violent and abusive. I was scared he would hurt me/find me (even though they don’t know where I live) So while I was sleeping I had a nightmare that he killed me.. It was extremely graphic and scary when I finally woke up I was trapped & stuck between the seats and my whole right side was trapped and I couldn’t breathe properly because of my bad breathing (I kinda get asthma when I have the flu) and I got my cell phone and tried endlessly to txt Rose but there was bad reception where I was so I was screaming (really not good while you can hardly breathe) and crying and having a panic attack and banging my cell phone on the window.. 

I finally did get a text sent to Rose, but to my horror her phone was in the car.. So that made me feel even more distraught & I continued to struggle breathing & kept banging.. Finally Emily (8 yr old) came to the window could see I was distressed & got Rose, Who helped me and held me for a while. I was in shock & couldn’t stop hyperventilating & panicking.. When I did calm down to a point she moved me to the front of the car & got a hot water bottle & blankets & we began the hour long journey home. 

About 15 minutes later I fell asleep again & began to have another nightmare/panic attack whilst sleeping.. She pulled over and woke me up.. I stayed awake (but in distress) until we got to the outskirts of Tauranga.. I exclaimed I needed to see Ana (youth leader) So I proceeded to contact her & she explained she was at the doctors & couldn’t miss it which upset me more.. Rose then asked if I wanted to go to the police station (we had been talking about a restraining order if they tried to contact me but because the distress and fear for my safety she thought it may be easier to do it now) So she dropped the kids off at the library & we went there.. I was barely able to walk (because of the shock & being stuck)..

The nice Police officer told me my options & said I had to go through a lawyer & that a ‘Protection Order’ will be more suitable for my situation. So we went around the corner to the Family Lawyer’s Office & saw ‘the best’ family lawyer’s secretary for about 30mins who told us what we had to do & made an appointment.. 

We then went to Church & met up with Ana who hugged me for a really long time without me having to explain anything & then she suggested staying the night at her place which I did.. We watched movies & then went to sleep.. Unfortunately my back was spasaming really bad but the sleeping pill took its affect & I had about 9 hours dreamless sleep before I started ‘waking up’ from deep sleep and began having another nightmare about the same thing.. thankfully Ana woke me up & got me a drink.. We watched more movies & then Rose came & picked me up. 

We came home & I was slightly like totally out of it.. I needed to make a call of comfort, but couldn’t last too long because my eyes decided they didn’t want to open & my stomach didn’t like me & so I had to say goodbye to but with the promise of calling back in an hour… 

But in an hour I could no longer complete.. I was in & out of consciousness & temp was back up to 40.8 (it went down to 39.9 at one point) I would drift between consciousness, nightmares & semi awake.. this continued for 5 hours.. my temp also went down and up between 38.8 – 42.7˚C..(101.84 – 108.86 ˚F) Rose rung the ‘Health Line’ & they gave her the advice to let me sleep it out & give me the sleeping pill.. & If she can’t wake me up or I can’t follow simple instructions to then call the ambulance.. Thankfully that didn’t happen.. I got the tablet & slept until 5:27am where Rose woke me up because I was screaming.. She stayed with me until 7am & then checked on me every 5 minutes till 8am.. 

She relunctantly woke me up & got me upstairs & then at 9am she put me in the car & took me to the doctors where I had to wait uncomfortably for 30-40 minutes & then saw a stupid doctor who obviously doesn’t know that when I say my head hurts bad to speak quieter…. He also hurt me quiet badly when he pushed on my ribs infact I nearly fell over in pain/ because I was very unstable.. JERK!?! So he gave me ‘pain relief’ and sent me on my way.. 

So now I’m home.. My eyes hurt pretty bad as if they have been severely strained & I am in agony.. But I’m alive.. My temp is slightly down.. 38.9˚C.. 

So yeah.. Thats what’s been happening to me.. 

Signing Off.

A.

Signing Off.

A.